Planning Logan's Special bedtime

there are many events in life that are not expected. Planning a funeral for my son was one of them. It never crossed my mind throughout us trying for a baby that we would ever have to do such a thing.

But there we were. From the moment we were in hospital with Logan we were overwhelmed with the amount of paper work there was to fill out. We just wanted to be left alone to make as many precious memories with Logan as possible. our minds were in the here and now. we weren't thinking about what would happen next. at this moment. we just wanted to be with our son.

unfortunately, these things needed to be dealt with.

the hospital offered us three choices. We could have Logan cremated with other babies who had passed away. he could be buried with other babies, or we could sort the arrangements out for ourselves. We knew at that moment that this was going to be something that we needed to do. we needed a special service for our special little one. so, we took charge. we were going to do it privately.

I am friends with a funeral director, and i knew that I wanted them to host the funeral. it felt right, like it would be personal.

As soon as we left Logan behind at the hospital, I threw myself into planning. It had to be perfect, and i needed something to distract me from hitting my breaking point, or the bottle.

We weren't able to set a date at first, as Logan was to have a post Morton, which enabled us the extra time that we needed.

well, i am going to be completely honest. We didnt know where to start. Ive never had to plan a funeral. especially not for a child.

I started with music. I thought it would be the easiest aspect of the service. It wasn't.

I am one of those people who doesn't genuinley like music if i feel it doesn't relate.

and, its very hard to find a song that relates to stillbirth. even harder to find one that suits when I didnt even know i was pregnant.

Lucky for us, we were provided with a brilliant chaplain, who came round. She wasn't the religious type either which was good for us. I was anxious to meet her, I had a large glass of gin in my hands as we sat down to talk in the comfort of my home, which I had hardly left since leaving the hospital.

She gave us some examples of other children's services that she had carried out and said she would return the following week to see how far we had got with our planning.

Its a very strange feeling, reading through over children's funeral services. Like, it doesn't feel right. and it broke my heart to read them. wondering how they managed through the service.

But it gave me the inspiration that i needed.

I ended up writing the entire service for Logan, it took me about 30 drafts to get it right, but i did it. Every single word was mine.

I also wanted to stand up and say something. This took even longer. And looking back, i wish I had done my speech differently. I wish I had done it like a letter to Logan. However, at the time it was right for me, and as Logan's mummy, it was what i needed to do.

next I wanted a theme. If you have read my post about Logan's arrival, you will have read about the book 'guess how much i love you'. I felt it would be the perfect theme for logan's service, so we decided we would have that book read before Logan was placed in his forever bed.

There was a time during the service that was classed as reflection time. Now i felt this would be inappropriate, because no one there knew Logan, only a few of the guests met Logan when we were in hospital, and so, I wanted to do something different. I purchased some empty baby bottles, that would be used for a baby shower or something like that, i printed off note paper, and planned that during the reflection time, guests would be able to write a letter to me and Dan, and a message to Logan, While i composed myself after standing up in front of just under 30 guests. there were 26 people to be exact, and only about 7 of them actually like me. that was hard.

I spent a lot of time on youtube looking for songs.

Hours and hours, while i was cooking dinner, walking the dog, Cleaning up, having a bath, laying around, walking, while dan was fishing.

it came to the day when Victoria returned that we finally picked the songs.

we would walk into daughtry- gone too soon. While people wrote their messages we would have smallest wingless by craig Cardiff and Second star to the right from peter pan, but a piano cover by Sam Yung, and then finish the service with My precious one by Celine Dion.

finally. it all started to fall into place.

Lastly it was flowers.

I've never been interested in flowers. I have my favourite's (white roses, yellow lillies incase you wondered) but that's as far as it goes with me.

This was were my mum came in. we drove to so many florists. I felt like she was interviewing them for a job in her own florist shop (which she doesn't own)

We went for Carole Moores Florist in Portsmouth. We had decided on a small 'son' tribute. and mum and my sister bought what is called a basket from them.

A few days before the funeral, my mum turned up in a panic and said that we needed to go to the florist because she isnt sure on the flowers. i thought she was being a perfectionist but agreed to go with her anyway, just in case.

I'm glad i did. they were so small. I broke into tears.

Luckily the florist didn't take offence and we changed our order, and the final tribute was perfect. This time when i saw it, I broke down into happy tears. they were beautiful.

After the ceremony, we decided that we did not want to have a wake. we wanted to do something different. A one off. We made a list of things to do and where to do them, and agreed on the idea of a balloon release. We made it as environmentally friendly as possible. I ordered some guess how much i love you balloons, and some special ones for me and Dan, and these were going to be done at Portchester Castle. My best friends favourite place, and also where Dan's mum takes Our nephew Alfie.

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Tips to planning a funeral...

1. Take a moment. this is a heartbreaking time, and it is okay to need a break while trying to plan such a task.

2. shop around, for flowers, your funeral director, any other products you wish to use. there are so many choices and this can be overwhelming, but there are many options available

3. ask for help. People will want to help you, even if that is just for their own needs and well being. If you are having a gathering after the service, ask someone if they would be willing to provide the food or drinks, or to organise it for you. If you wanted to do something different like we did, see if someone will help you, even if that is by just finding a location to do it. ask for song recommendations, or poems people like or feel would fit perfectly.

4.CRY.

5. remember there is no wrong or right way to say goodbye to your child.

6. do not let anyone else tell you how things should be done throughout any of this. this is your baby. no matter who they are. the final decisions will be yours.

7. Have as many or as little amount of guests as you wish. We had an intimate service for Logan, we had Logan's brothers, Grandparents, Aunties, Uncles, Godparents and the step parents and great grandparents there to say goodbye with us.

and finally, give yourself some credit. this isn't a normal situation to be in. and it is totally okay to feel like you are not doing the best you could. but, just know that you are. there is no right or wrong during this.