A letter to my mum

To the most amazing woman I have ever, and will ever have in my life.

from the 5th of January 1992 you have been my mum. you have helped me grow, you have picked me up when i've fallen, and fixed my invisible crown on so many occasions. You have watched me turn into the woman I am today; Strong, independent, and a little bit crazy.

I need to thank you. I owe you so much more, but even if I was to get you everything you deserved, you would just moan at me for wasting money on you. no money or time spent on you is wasted.

The day Logan came, you were at home. You'd been out the night before. I cant remember why, but for once, you went out and let your hair down.

I was also at home, on my bathroom floor. screaming that i wanted you.

In all the panic and the blindness from crying, I managed to phone you. You thought at first me and Dan had had an argument, and that I had been kicked out. until I managed to get my words out.

Around all the deafening silence and panic around me from myself and Dan, I heard your panic. and yet, you were still trying to fix things. 'keep the baby warm, wrap it in a towel or a blanket'... 'mum the baby's gone'... i felt your heart break. "i'm on my way sweetheart"

And you were. A drive that usually takes you 15 minutes, took you five. You were there.

By the time you had got here the paramedics had just managed to get me off the bathroom floor and onto the sofa.

I don't remember much else. I remember you walking out of the room, to which I have since learnt, you were out in the kitchen comforting Dan. You were mothering Dan too.

There was a mix up of understanding. You stayed behind and sat with the dogs, we only wanted you to let them back in from the garden and settled.

You waited at ours until we ended up sending Karis and George. Im gutted that you didnt come sooner, and spend more time with Logan.

I remember your face when you came into the room we were in. Room 19. the bereavement room.

Handing over your first grandson to you was bittersweet.

I have always wondered what type of Nan you would be.

I wish things were different. I would have loved to have seen your relationship with Logan. He would have been spoilt, not just with gifts, but with love, Knowledge, and kindness.

You would have always said yes to him on the rare occasions that I would have said no. You would have got muddy together, Messy together, Snuggled up and read a book together.

My heart aches.

Thank you for helping me when I was planning the funeral, researching different Florists, Letting me play songs endlessly, helping me cross so many off the list.

Thank you for all of the motivation. thank you for keeping me going.

Thank you for getting to the cemetery early to set up Logan's table and making sure it looked perfect for our little one.

Thank you for always and continuing to visit Logan;s forever bed with me and alone, for buying him beautiful flowers to brighten his little special place.

Thank you for everything.

Most importantly, Thank you for being my mum.

I love you always