Life with Logan

Life with Logan was short and bittersweet.

We spent 31 hours with him. 1,860 minutes, 111,600 seconds.

Isn't it strange how quickly life can change? how something can happen and then your life changes forever. everything you once knew, gone.

In just one minute, I found out I was pregnant, had given birth, and that my baby wasn't breathing. All in 60 seconds. just imagine that for a moment.

when Logan was brought back into the room to meet us, I was so overwhelmed. I'm not even certain if it had even sunk in what had happened. But it had. The overpowering sense of love for our little one was there.

so this is the feeling that parents talk about. Pure unconditional love.

I felt so proud of him. I wanted to show him off to the world. Regardless of the situation and circumstances, i wanted people to see our little creation. to meet our miracle.

I automatically became one of those mum's, you know the ones that get snap happy with the camera, and I am so glad that I did, because i now have an album full of memories, treasured memories that I will hold forever.

I was scared I wouldn't be willing to hand him over to others for a cuddle. I wanted to keep hold of him. He was my cub. I had my entire world in my arms, resting peacefully.

Logan's story is unique compared to most. We do not have photos of a positive pregnancy test, we do not have scan photos, we didn't plan a future with him, we didn't have a decorated nursery, a wardrobe full of baby grows, or a cot filled with endless cuddly toys because I couldn't just pick one. We didn't have pregnancy bump photo shoots, a baby shower, gender reveal party, We didn't have anything. We didn't even have a list of baby names that we spent hours fighting over why they were not suitable.

nothing.

The team of midwives and health care support workers looking after us were amazing. They had dressed Logan for us, They had taken his hand and footprints for us, and a lock of his hair, they even did a mini photo shoot for him before they brought him to us, even gave him a little teddy beat.

I remember the first glance I took of Logan. I couldn't take my eyes off of him. I was fixated on him. I just remember thinking he was breathtaking. how handsome he was, How me and Dan had made such a beautiful little one.

Seeing him in the arms of those I loved was a special moment for me. They accepted him, so called flaws and all. The only flaw I could see was that he wasn't taking any breaths. Not a single cry, He didn't look back at us, His eyes still blissfully closed. We will never know what colour his eyes are. I have a strong image that they are dark like his daddy's, His daddy's eyes are my favourite. I can get lost in them. mesmerising.

My favourite moment with Logan was when it was just the three of us, when the visitors left, the staff left us alone, it was just us three. Mummy, Daddy and son. We read to him, Sang to him (awfully) we made fun of each other, we cried together. but, we were together. My own little family. My life was in that room.

"I died the day my son died, I just continued to breathe"

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BACKSTORY

we had been told I couldn't have children. We were then told that if i did get pregnant i wouldn't make it passed 6 weeks. I do not ovulate, my diabetes isn't in the best control.

We continued to try, in the hopes that it would happen. it never did.

Every time aunt flow visited, another piece of my heart shattered. would it ever be my turn?

Then it got worse, I was missing periods for months and would still be getting negatives.

In 2019, we gave up, we felt like it was time to come to terms with the fact that we were not to have a family of our own.

Dan already has a son, Haydon, with his Ex, and also took on the role of Dad of her other son Jay, but me? my arms were empty. My heart, was empty.

But we decided to get a puppy, After Dan's work friend had just had a litter of Siberian huskies (my favourite breed of dog), we decided to have one, and that would be our family complete.

July 2019, Loki (our puppy) kept sniffing my breasts. Dr Google told me that dogs can sense cancer, so terrified, i booked an appointment in with my GP.

two days later, i was sat on her examination bed, dignity flung on the floor with my bra, as she prodded and poked my breasts.

She asked me if there was a chance i was pregnant, I said no.

She then said to me that there was something abnormal with my breasts, but that she would refer me to the breast clinic, who i should hear from within the next few weeks.

So now I messaged Dan, My mum, and my two close friends, Karis and Gemma.

August the 2nd 2019. the day of Dan's brother and his fiances wedding. I was so excited for her to finally get him down the aisle. The brothers (there are 4 of them) are not the most romantic type. so this was a big deal. to me anyway, I kind of hoped it would give Dan a kick up the booty to propose to me (again)

When we sat down for the first Mr and Mrs meal, and speeches, i thought i best not eat a lot other wise my stomach would bloat out, and a bloated belly in a body con dress do not go well together...I ended up bloating out anyway, some even asked the bride if i was pregnant, but, being used to my stomach going from anorexic to 9 months pregnant, Von brushed them off.

At 10 pm we decided we would leave. so we went and said our goodbyes and congratulated the new Mr and Mrs Watts, and headed for home.

on arrival, I had a catch up with Karis, I guessed I must of had more to drink than I initially thought as I then i started 'weeing' myself. Me and Karis laughed because I must of drunk more than I thought, so i ran to the bathroom. There was blood, which would explain the belly cramps. must have started my period...If only

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SATURDAY 3rd AUGUST 2019

I was in agony. My period had returned with a vengeance. Once the boys had left I decided I would have a chilled day, run a nice hot bath, fill up a hot water bottle, and chill in front of Netflix.

Karis had other plans for me, so i ended up getting dressed, packed my slippers and headed to hers for a few drinks. Still feeling rough, and heavily bleeding, I decided to not get comfortable and cause a crime scene on her chairs.

Once i left, I came home, curled up with Dan and relaxed

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SUNDAY 4th AUGUST 2019

At 0927, I gave birth. I am not going to go into the details of the moments beforehand. It is too traumatic and I do not wish to put that on anyone else other than those who went through it with me.

but at 0927, I became a mum. A type of mum that no one wants to be. I was a mum to a stillborn. A baby that i didn't know i was carrying. A long wanted pregnancy that i didnt know about, a pregnancy that if I had of known about, would have had a different outcome.

I didn't meet Logan until around half 12. I took my first photo of him at 1241.

between 1030 and 1230 I found out that I had a son, We had a son, he weighed 0.12oz, And after their amazing math's skills, he was estimated as being 24+3 weeks gestation. that's 6 months. I was 6 months pregnant and i didn't have any idea.

Looking back now, I can see every single sign of that pregnancy, and i can see how it was brushed off as being one of my medical conditions.

But either way, he was perfect. heartbreakingly Silent, but perfect nonetheless.

His face, His perfect little face. he even had little chubby cheeks, and the same cupid bowed lips that i had when i was a baby. He had perfect little eyelashes, I took in every detail of him like he was a piece of art. He is a magical creation, Made by me and Dan. two tiny little feet, with tiny little toes and toenails, Dinky little fingers that reminded me of when you stay in the bath too long, attached to dinky little hands. the few hairs on his head were dark like his daddy's, his eyes, Delicately closed, as if he was taking an afternoon snooze.

If you'd had walked past the room we were in, You would of thought we were just two besotted parents in awe of our sleeping son, and we were, we are instantly in love with him, A love that I have never felt before. Unconditional love. the pure innocence of having your first born.

I can still feel his hand on my finger. I can still smell him in the air sometimes. I can be anywhere, doing my food shop, walking the dogs, just sitting on the sofa, and i will get a strong catch of his scent.

Logan had quite a few visitors, First it was his godparents, Karis and George, then it was Donna; Dan's mum, Then it was my mum, then Dan's Dad and Step mum, Then my sister, Then it was Gemma.

their support and love was so appreciated during that time. as it always was before and after. seeing them with my son, not shying away from him, or being scared; they had cuddles with him, they cuddled us, they made cute noises that people make when they see a new born, they told him stories, it was beautiful. they are the people who helped us make special memories with our son, they made it, if i can say this, a little bit easier. no, that isnt the word, nothing could have made what we went through any easier, they made it, comforting. Yes, thats the word.

We spent the night with Logan, We didn't sleep. Dan kept closing his eyes, but as soon as the door opened he was wide awake. it was like he was protecting his family. i have never felt more loved by him than in those moments. I laid awake all night. I was just staring at Logan, as his body deteriorated before my eyes, I think i found the meaning of 'he had a face only a mother could love' but i didn't care. that was my baby in that little moses basket next to our bed. my little world wrapped up in a little blanket, with his little blue hat on and yellow cardigan.

The next day went by in a blur. In the morning i went down to the costas in the main atrium and grabbed us a coffee (hot chocolate for me) and two breakfast wraps. I then popped out for a cigarette to try and come to terms with what had happened.

Some people may think 'why wouldnt you spend all the time you could with your son?'

well, truth be told, i couldnt bring myself to. I needed to try and make some room in my head. all that crying had left me unable to breathe. I needed some air. I needed some normal. I felt like i had been picked up and dropped in the middle of a dessert and told to find my way back. i felt impossible.

The strangest part about popping outside was seeing everyone going about their day, the staff finishing their shifts and running to the bus stop, or the staff walking into the hospital to start their shift, patients going in for their appointments, other people going to visit their relatives, you never know anyone's story, you never know what happened to them that morning or the day before. you just do not know.

I got a few smiles while i was stood outside trying to make sense of it all. I had a few dirty looks for being in my dressing gown. The worst thing i saw out there was a pregnant woman smoking. Now, reading this you will see that i smoked and drank through my pregnancy, but i didnt know i was pregnant. I do not condone doing anything like that when pregnant, anything that is known to put your baby at risk is frowned upon by me. I hate myself for what i done, and again, i didn't even know.

When it came to leaving Logan, I didnt want to. I was asked how i wanted to do it. i could either leave him in the room with a midwife, or they could take him away while I was there, i was basically faced with, feeling like they had stolen my son, or I was abandoning him.

for some reason, I chose to leave before him. I don't know why. i think it was because i didn't want to hate the midwife, whereas i already hated myself.

Walking out of that hospital with my 4louis memory box was awful. I felt like a failure. I had failed my son. I had failed my boyfriend. I had failed myself.