Broken hearted boy

Logan had a broken heart.

it was found during the post Morton that Logan had a heart condition called Hypoplastic left heart Syndrome, Also known as HLHS

HLHS is a rare congenital heart disease, where the left side of the heart doesnt develope properly and is too small, which means that there isnt enough oxygenated blood getting through to and around the body.

HLHS usually occurs due to something going wrong in the very early stages of pregnancy, and at the moment they have been unable to find a reason as to why a baby's heart doesn't develop properly.

There is no way to fix HLHS. there are operations that may help a child to have a better quality of life, but they would need to have several operations during their life.

The first surgery is carried out after a few days of being born, the first operation is called the Norwood Procedure, however babies who are very small or ill may not be suitable for this operation and may be offered the hybrid procedure.

information on these operations can be found in the link below

https://www.bhf.org.uk/informationsupport/publications/children-and-young-people/understanding-your-childs-heart---hypoplastic-left-heart

.HLHS is a serious heart defect, the surgeries may cause further health conditions that will have a negative impact on the child's quality of life, and there's the chance that the child may not survive all of the required surgeries.

When we were at our appointment speaking to the consultant about the results of the post morton, he told us that logan's quality of life wouldn't be great, that he would of had hardly any chance of survival, and that is even if they would of intervened or not, after all, it would go to them with Logan's best interests at heart.

Not many people have been told the results of Logan's post morton. and people out of kindness have said that he will never have his heart broken, and i feel that lump in my throat block my airway. Logan was born with a broken heart. Logan would be broken hearted all of his life, no matter how long we would be able to keep him.

When I looked into HLHS, it made me wonder if it was linked to my own heart. I had an operation on my heart when i was one years old due to the hole not closing up. not many people know that about me, but it may explain to some people why i have such a cold heart (joking of course)

Apparently it didnt.

However the consultant did believe that it was my fault. He didn't say it like that. But he said with my blood sugars being high (not from a lack of control, but i have a lot of health conditions and three of them affect my stomach which leads issues with insulin and blood sugars), I also smoked throughout the pregnancy, and I drank, that these all contributed to Logan's heart not forming properly.

This really annoys me, and confuses me. How are there women out there who drink and smoke, take other drugs willingly knowing they are pregnant and have healthy children, that they get to keep, And then there are people like me. people who would do anything for their child, or anyone else they care about, end up in this situation?

And there are loads of us, there are so many groups on social media, of other mums, other parents, whose babies or children lost their lives for a variety of different reasons. Mums who ate all the right things, drank all the right things, took the right medication, bought all the baby books, how do the women like that end up in a situation where they dont get to take their babies home? or take them home but have to bury them before their 1st, 2nd, 5th, 10th birthday?

The world is cruel.

One thing i do know, is that if all of our love could have fixed logans heart, then his heart would have been fixed, his heart would have formed and we would of had sooo much heart left over in case we needed more.

It doesn't work like that, i know. and it wasn't because of the HLHS that he arrived too soon. That reason, is why he then wasn't taking the life long battle against his heart.

I would do anything to have my son back, but there are times that i sit and wonder if i'm being selfish. would i have really been able to cope by putting my precious little one through all of this? should i be grateful that my body failed him when it did? Should i be glad that his heart beat its last beat under my own heart instead of on an operating table? the answer to that one is yes. I am glad that he took his last heart pump under mine, where it was warm, where he was cushioned, I am not glad however, understandably that this was the position we were in. that these were and are the thoughts that I have.

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“ Most babies survive this first stage of surgery, but there is a small risk that your baby may have brain damage or internal bleeding. Kidney damage can also occur, but this usually recovers with treatment. Your cardiologist will discuss these risks with you in more detail.”

To make a donation to the British Heart foundation, Or find out how you can help them, Please click the link below...

https://www.bhf.org.uk/how-you-can-help/donate/donate-form