Saying goodnight

"A wife who loses her husband is called a widow, a husband who loses a wife is called a widower, a child who loses their parents is called an orphan. there is no word for a parent who loses a child. that's how awful the loss is"

the 28th of August 2019. 11 am. Kingston cemetery in Portsmouth.

the sun was shining that morning. I had been awake all night and watched the sun rise.

the weather was not matching my emotions. if it had, it would have been grey with rain and storm clouds.

I woke up angry. Angry that today we would be saying a proper goodbye to my son. someone even told me this would be the closure i needed.

I took Loki out for a walk at 5am. I got him back home before Dan woke up. I do not know what time he opened his eyes.

I had my shower at 6.

i sat there in my dressing gown, Looking at the outfit i had chosen. a cobalt blue ASOS dress that i was going to wear to the wedding. we had asked Logan's guests to wear something blue, even just nail polish, just something to honor our little one.

I did my hair and make up in silence. I usually like getting dressed up. today i didn't. today i would have preferred to stay home in my bed, not seeing anyone. not talking to anyone.

I had no choice.

I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't get dressed until the very last minute because i didn't want dog hair all over me making me look like a frozen yeti. So, during the next few hours i went over and over my speech, making sure i still liked it, criticizing every bit of black ink on that page.

Ben text me, he told me they were on their way. My blood sugar dropped. and i couldnt run back into the house as we'd only just managed to settle loki. id have to deal with it when we get to the cemetery.

Down came the hearse. Ben got out of the car while the driver turned around. My son is in that car. waiting to be reunited with me and his daddy. I wanted to steal him. I wanted to grab him, take him inside and lock the front door. Ben interrupted my train of thought by giving me a cuddle. I'm used to seeing Ben with some form of alcohol in his hand, today, he was a different person.

we climbed into the car, and there he was. my beautiful baby boy was there, in the middle seats, in a beautiful pure white coffin, with a silver name plaque that simply read 'baby Logan'

I cried. 'hello baby boy'

He was placed between me and Dan, and we held hands as we rested them on top of him. it was just us three. Mummy, Daddy, and Logie bear. our little family were reunited again.

The drive to the cemetery seemed to last forever. It was the longest shortest car ride I had ever taken.

When we arrived at the Chapel, my legs continued to turn to jelly, as ben went in search for my mum to get me a bottle of lucozade to sort my hypo out.

After a little while, we were told that it was time. time to start our goodnight service. our apparent 'closure'.

I wanted to carry Logan in. I wanted to hold him as much as possible. Dan didnt think i would be able to handle it, so from the moments Victoria was in our home, we agreed that ben would carry him for us. A choice i regret.

We walked into 'Daughtry- gone too soon' I have no idea how, but my legs carried me to our seats. but as soon as i sat down, it set me off. I cried. ALOT.

I had Dan on one side of me, karis the other. it was the four of us in the front row. Dan, Me, Karis and George. 4 people who never let each other down. four people who love each other regardless. four people who support each other no matter what the issue. that is true family.

true family isn't always blood.

the service was beautiful. Logan's table had been decorated by my mum and my friend Gemma, and they had done it beautifully.

A white table cloth, artificial flowers and scattered gems and rose petals, Logan in the middle with his spray of flowers, a photo of the three of us on the floor in front.

It really was beautiful.

It soon became my time to stand up and speak. if you genuinely know me, you would know that talking in front of people is my worst fear, talking in front of people who do not like me? in normal circumstances i would've said forget it. But its a mum's duty to do things out of their comfort zone for their children. I wasn't doing this for any of them. I was doing this for Logan, I was doing this to make him proud.

When the service ended. I waited until most of our guests had left the chapel before i knelt in front of Logan. Im not sure why I felt like i had to do this, but i did. And dan knelt next to me. Once our chosen exit song had finished, we then stood and walked out, our legs in sync with eachother. in unity. in that

Upon leaving the chapel, me, Dan and Logan climbed back into the car, Logan back in between us. The three musketeers.

The last part of the service was to have a bed time story. we had guess how much i love you, which was a book that was provided to us in our memory box from the charity 4louis. I read this book to him when we were still in the hospital, As did Karen, who told us that she used to read this story to Georgie, so it was the story of our choice. it was yet another memory made.

Once everyone had started leaving, me and Dan again spent a few extra moments with Logan. he was out of my reach now, soon to be covered over with his blanket of dust and mud.

It was then that Dan told me he was proud of me for my hard work to make this the perfect service, and that Logan would be so proud of me for standing up in front everyone.

We then went home, composed ourselves, and then went over to my mum's to get the balloons ready, and unwind a little. I had a glass of wine, We used some helium to make funny noises, Just to lift our spirits a little more.

We arrived at the castle. Everyone walked towards where Karis had suggested we release them, where there would be less people. I didn't want to be around people.

I remember everyone making a semi circle around me and Dan. Waiting.

I am rubbish at hosting. At home, when people come round I like them to feel at home. Karis for example, if she wants anything, she knows that she can just use it or have it, no questions asked, and the same when I go to hers, I feel annoying if i have to keep asking someone if they want another drink, anything to eat, etc.

Organising logan's funeral was different. Victoria was the one stood up and talking through most of it, minus the 5 minutes I took over,

but the balloon release after? well, i was on my own.

I should have planned what I was going to say, But it totally slipped my mind, and I became aware of the eyes on me.

When we let go of our balloons, we stood and watched them soar. up they went, into the sky, and it was so peaceful to watch. We had a few stray balloons, but ours? ours went straight up.

I like to think that Logan is in Neverland, The home of Peter pan and the lost boys. I imagine he is flying around with them, playing in the clouds, helping Peter pan fight captain Hook, playing tricks on the Red Indians, Swimming with the mermaids in Blue Lagoon,

And each day, He leaves Neverland, not for long, but long enough to be with us, to sit on My Lap, on Dan's shoulder, on Loki's tail, before heading back to the second star to the right.